I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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