I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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