you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
