NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
