I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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