My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
