highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
