I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
