i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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