She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
