she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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