he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
