It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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