Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Randomize
