3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
