You're earring is so big in my mouth
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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