This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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