if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
