Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Can you bring me the toilet please
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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