You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
