this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
