Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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