um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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