May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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