I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
