never play flip cup with pint glasses
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
