dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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