Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
