Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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