My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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