How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
