It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
