i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
