please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
