I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
