Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Your cock deserves a montage
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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