i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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