i already hear my dad disowning me
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
