After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
