oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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