Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
