No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
