Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
