hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
my phone needs a breathalizer
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There's always time for handjobs
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
