as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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