I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
