I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
