holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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