You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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