I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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